On the Movie NOAH and Neolithic Rock Transformers

Well, I got the movie NOAH as a gift for Christmas, and today curled up on my couch to finally watch it. I was a bit disappointed … It was not what I expected in many ways. Yes it was a good movie, very well done with excellent acting from an all-star cast, and yes the special effects were excellent. The movie flowed very smoothly, and in many ways was enjoyable … But the script is really messed up from the original, and it is not very biblical. Even though, it was entertaining the script and story line was far too different from the original in the Bible and I have to give it *** 3 STARS out of 5

As anyone, who has read the Bible knows the Noah and the Ark story: basically, God tells Noah to build an ark because he is going to drown all the bad people except Noah and his family, and all the animals he can round up … two by two. Then it starts raining and 40 days later they run aground on Mount Ararat, and let the animals and family members out to live happily ever after… end of story.

It seems the writers and special effects crew really disagreed with the original take in the Bible and they wanted to spice up the script but used a bit too much literary license in the retelling of the story of Noah and the Ark.

It is sad that NOAH never talks to God in this movie nor to the director; he could have given the director some good advice on the telling of the story. Instead, Noah has apocalyptic nightmares and visions of everyone drowning. I don’t think Noah talked to God even once in this movie, instead things just happened and Noah sensed God wanted him to do something … but what? Sadly it wasn’t a better script.

In the story of NOAH and the Ark, I do not remember the watchers, who are fallen angels having a part in it. Nor do I remember the watchers as being Neolithic Rock Transformers running amuck and smashing people into the ground and stepping on them. I guess the watchers are a bit confused as to how to help mankind, first helping the evil doers conquer others and build an industrial world, and then switching sides and helping Noah build the Ark, and then fighting off Cain and his followers as they attack Noah when it starts to rain.

The movie starts when Noah is young, 10 or so, with Cain killing Noahs father, and Noah running away. The next scene Noah is an adult married and with kids in a desolate land ravaged by mankind. He gets a message has a nightmare and goes looking for Methuselah, who gives him a magic potion and Noah decides to build an ark with the help from the Watchers, who Methuselah saved from Cain.  Next scene the ark is built. It starts to rain and Cain wants the ark for himself and a battle ensues for the ark.

During the battle scene, at the ark and in all the confusion, while trying to escape drowning, Cain sneaks on board the ark by chopping a big hole in the side of it, and becomes a stowaway and slaughtering some of the sleeping animals because he was hungry lucky for him, no one notices. Ham helps Cain because Ham blames Noah for killing his girlfriend who he had just met a couple of hours earlier as they were running for their lives to get aboard the ark … she didn’t make it, she got her leg caught in a bear trap set by Cain and then run over by Cain’s army … literally.  Next in the Ark, we discover Seth’s girlfriend, who cannot conceive, and who just received a blessing from Methuselah before she boarded the ark, well she is pregnant and when Noah finds out, he is fit to be tied and gets it into his head that God wants him to kill the child if it is a girl, oh, but if a boy, he can live. Noah is really in a self-destructive and depressed mood.

40 days later, Cain convinces Ham to kill NOAH, only to have Ham double cross him and kills Cain instead of Noah just as the Ark runs aground. Twin girls are then born (not after 9 months, but after only 40 days), and when Noah goes to kill the girls, he cannot bring himself to do it because he loves them. Ham runs off over the grassy plains to find himself, while Noah becomes a drunkard in a cave, all this while the rest of the family happily starts tilling the soil. Oh yah, we never do see the animals leave the ark, but they must have because Noah’s family is disassembling the Ark to build a log cabin on the side of Mount Ararat. I often wondered what happened to the ark … now I know. And the movie ends with the whole family standing around a sunset baptizing the twins with a snakeskin wrapped around NOAHs arm.

Well, that’s the movie NOAH *** 3 STARS out of 5 and I’ll probably watch it again a couple of times, don’t get me wrong it is very well made, except for the script.

Stay tuned, my next post will be in a couple of days on the 3rd Hobbit movie.


Joe Wocoski